Monday, September 29, 2014
I see you.
I see you laughing at a park playdate smiling and chatting with other moms as you push your toddler on the swing while keeping another eye on your five-year old climbing on monkey bars. I see you dressed in the latest fashionable chevron scarf to match your perfectly chosen outfit. I see you going on dates with your husband and on ladies night with your girlfriends in order to nurture each of those relationships so that they fulfill your desires.
I see you going to church and bible studies and trekking your kids to all of the activities that you put them in to help them "grow". I see you "pinning" the next greatest recipe and DIY projects that you want to create in your home in order to make it "pinterest" worthy.
I see you.
I also see the you that hopes no one sees "you".
I see you when someone asks how you are and you respond with an "I'm Fine" because it's easier and you know they don't want to hear of your trials anyway. It's easier that way.
I see you comparing yourself, your latest attire and the behavior of your children to the lady in front of you at Target.
I see you hiding. Crying on the inside because the deep crevices of your heart are covered in pain and turmoil.
I see you struggle to wake up each morning ready to fight the demons inside yourself and figure out who you are. I see you pour your coffee hoping it will make your day just a little bit easier while at the same time wanting the smash the pot against the wall just out of the internal frustration.
I see you crying in the shower because no one can see or hear you.
I hear the voices in your head battling against each other. One telling you, "You are not good enough" while the other tells you, "You have so much to be thankful for."
I see you broken. I see you hurt.
I see you searching. Searching for the "you" that would bring you a sense of peace that surpasses all and that truly defines you.
I see you searching for that one friend that looks at you and knows everything about you and you don't have to explain any of it. They just get it. I see you desperately searching for that friend. I see you scared to have that friend that you share your secrets with.
I see you going to bed at night on a tear stained pillow, marking another day off your calendar and wondering where "you" fit in that day.
I see the pain and regret that you carry of your past trials. I see that you don't let any of that go.
I see you share your joys with the world while being scared to death that you might share too much.
I see your scars. Your million scars. The scars of our past that you try to define yourself by. I see every scar that you have as a sign that you have overcome.
I see the confusion in realizing who you are. I see you question your doings on a daily basis about what truly makes you happy. I see your sadness when you can't find that. I feel your sadness.
I see you. Because that's me. You're not alone.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Life is all about learning who you are and what your place in the world is. You do have a place and a reason…it’s your assignment to figure out what that is. That has been the most challenging thing for me for as long as I can remember. I look outside of myself and see what I think the world wants me to be or thinks I should be and that’s who I try to be. It works for awhile. Maybe a short while and maybe a long while. But…then I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself in the process and I question who I am again. At that point in time, I become very selfish and try to do what makes me happy all the time. If you’re not happy, then no one is happy, right?! That’s what I think half of the time anyways.
I suffer a great deal from depression and it takes a daily toll on my body and emotions even when the outside world doesn’t see it. Finding the daily balance of who I really am and who I should be always seems to be such a struggle for me. I experience such dramatic highs and lows with my thoughts and feelings that honestly it is quite exhausting. I don’t know if I struggle with this area of my life more than others or if others constantly feel as I do. I believe that my dreamer personality is what makes me struggle the most. Besides, dreams weren't meant to be ignored. I believe they're put in our soul for a reason. I'm just trying to figure out what that reason is.
I have such an immense amount of childish happiness in my heart and soul but I don’t share it with as many people as maybe I should. I never know how to balance that side of me with the more mature, knows exactly what she needs to do and be woman. I’ve had people in my life recently that have encouraged me to be that happy girl and live life to the fullest. I also have people in my life who tell me that I need to grow up and take care of the responsibilities set before me and that life isn’t a daydream.
There is a huge disconnect for me when trying to figure out the balance of being what makes me the happiest while at the same time trying to be selfless and make everyone else happy. At the moment that I think I have it all figured out in a particular way, I get smacked in the face by something telling me that I don’t. I have a hard time believing that other people struggle with their identity as much as me. If people in life truly do struggle as much as I do, then no wonder that there is such chaos in the world.
Love comes hard for me. It is something that I don’t share with many people and it has affected many of my personal relationships. My tendency to be selfish has negatively affected many, many people in my life. I don’t understand why it’s hard for me. I don’t want it to be. I want to be the person that people know they can always rely on to be there for them. I’m not sure what has scorned me so bad in my life for me to be the way I am because it surely isn’t normal in my mind. I do have a select few people in my life that love me for who I am. They take me wholly whether I am wounded or not.
I admit, I am a wounded person. I have physical wounds from life’s challenges. I’ve lost people close to me that have caused a physical scar on my heart that will always be there. I’ve experienced things that no one should have to. Those wounds are easy to explain because they’re physical. Each physical scar that I have inside and out has a story that can told with it. A story that is easy for people understand.
The wounds that are the hardest to overcome and understand are the mental and emotional wounds. They are the wounds that so many people inflict upon themselves that no one in the outside world sees. Those are the wounds that hurt the most. They seep deep into your soul and cause a pain that is indescribable to most. Those are the wounds that are the hardest to overcome and the ones that haunt you on a daily basis. And yet, no one sees or understands them but you. My passion would be to have the ability to share all of my struggles with others so they don't have to experience the internal battle with themselves. It is a daunting and painful struggle to deal with daily and if anywhere along my path I am able to help others overcome that, then I feel like my life will have been served well.
I do believe that in time it is possible overcome. I believe that the internal struggles I deal with on a daily basis will make me an amazing woman someday. A woman who will wake up one morning and be able to say, “Here I am! This is me and I LOVE ME!” I will be able to serve anyone around me with LOVE because I have that LOVE inside of me for me.
So I’m back again to the finding that balance. How do I balance figuring out how to love myself along with loving other people as much as they deserve at the same time? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s a battle that I will approach everyday with an open mind and willing heart to learn what is next on my roller coaster ride. I may get thrown off a time or two again but I will get back on and keep going. Besides, I love the highs and lows of roller coasters and couldn't imagine life any different.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
I know when I became a Christian I had hopes that all of my life struggles would just fall away from me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for me and I can almost bet it wasn’t the case for you. It seems whenever I try to grow in my faith, I feel more pain. I never understood why until today.
I went for a walk and decided that on my walks I would listen to sermons that tailored to what I was struggling with in my life. Let me tell ya, my list of sermons is a mile long! I’ll share those with you another day. NeedIess to say, I struggle with a lot. My life is crazy busy, as I’m sure yours is, and so I decided to make my walks my time with the Lord. During my walk today, the topic was on being a daughter of God. I’ve never understood that, AT ALL. Even after my walk, I still don’t understand how to be a daughter of someone I can’t “see”. That will come in due time though. I hope.
There was something in the sermon that I could understand though. It was an analogy that I could relate to my life.
How many times are you struck with FEAR, DISAPPOINTMENT, REJECTION, LONLINESS, HURT, the list could go on and on and on. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one who has thought:
“If God can do anything, then why can’t he just take this away from me?”
I can’t tell you how many times in my life, I have begged him to just yank stuff out of my life. Depression, of which I struggle with daily, pain, failure, past hurts, etc….. But he just WON’T! I hear, “Oh you have to pray about it and give it to God.” Well…..I thought I have been doing that! Turns out I hadn’t.
Think of it this way. Imagine yourself standing in the kitchen with little ones under foot “trying” to help out whether it is by cooking or cleaning. Every home in America owns knives and we all try to teach our children the dangers of them and how to use and care for them. What would happen if your child took the knife by the blade to hold it with a firm grip? How would you react??
Would you yank that knife out of their hand? Of course not!! Why? Because it would cause them pain!
You would gently persuade them to give you the knife, willingly.
That is the key word….willingly.
It’s the same with God. He isn’t just going to yank things from us because he knows it will cause us pain! He knows taking things from us when we are not ready to give will make us frustrated when we don’t understand why and cause us pain. We must have a heart willing to give to him when we are ready. Only then will it not cause us pain.
One of the MANY things I struggle with is self-centeredness. I want God to take that negative trait away from me SO BAD! But he hasn’t because I have been unwilling to give it to him fully. Can I tell you that I released that to him today? I wish I could say yes. I’m still trying to release my grip on why I think that is good for me when I know it’s not what he intended. When I am ready to release my grip on all of those things, God will take them away from me.
God never wants to be a source of our pain. All of the pain we feel in this earthly world are put upon ourselves because we are not letting him take those knives from our hands. What knives do you have a firm grip on?? Today, I pray that you lessen your grip on those things that are causing you pain in your life. I pray that this moves your heart and you get it. I pray that you listen to his loving words as he tells you that you are holding on to things that cause you pain. He isn’t going to yank those sharps edges from your hands…you have to willingly give it to him.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
I've taken some time off to focus on other things and have added some new things to my life as well. My business has taken off more than I would have imagined a year ago and I am so thankful for that!!
You are more than welcome to look through my past posts and read about what I was doing two years ago. OR...you can stay on board with me and see what is to come! I have a lot of exciting things! Some business related which you won't want to miss and other posts that just have to do with my ol' little family.
Either way, I hope you enjoy your visit and I hope you come back :)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I’ve been gone for awhile. Maybe you didn’t notice. Keep reading and pretend you did though. It will give me the “feel goods”.
This has been a crazy month for my family. Of course the 4th of July always brings fun and happiness. Then on the 6th was my 9 year anniversary.
On the 7th was when our world was totally turned upside down. I got the worst phone call anyone could ever get.
My 16 year old niece was killed in a car accident. It was a very tragic situation and one that I hope no mother or father has to endure. Being my niece it was very hard on my immediate family but my heart just aches for my brother and sister-in-law.
Kylee Nicole was a very sweet, old soul and it was evidenced by the beautiful service that was given for her. Looking back at her life, many of us have seen that maybe somehow Kylee somehow inherently knew that her time here was limited. I know that no one ever knows for sure, but looking back at some circumstances, we wonder. She has a license plate on her bedroom door that reads “4-Ever 16” It’s strange how things work out sometimes.
“Smiley Kylee” was her nickname because she always wore a smile wherever she went. No matter her mood, she smiled. She was a follower of Christ who made it known to anyone that she met.
Life won’t be the same without Kylee around to boost everyone’s spirits. There are so many trivial “words” that can be said but none of them really seem to matter anymore. It’s simply too young for a girl to end her journey in this place we call home. She is forever home waiting for us now. While we struggle to understand why, she will be looking down on us and reminding us to “SMILE”.
So tonight before you go to bed, give your babies an extra hug and “smile” from Kylee. She is smiling down on us in joy that we are spreading the love that she was put her to give.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
We had a good 4th with the exception of Dad having to be at work on the actual holiday and Alysia being in Texas visiting her dad. We did hang out with some friends on Saturday while Dad was in town and then again on Monday. Unfortunately Dad didn’t get in town on Monday until about 10 pm. After all the hooplah pretty much over.
James learning how to shoot a gun! He was in heaven….me…not so much!
And what’s the 4th without a fire started by the boys… :/
This was the one and only sparkler that Parker tried. He didn’t like them so much.
There you have it! Better late then never, right?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tie dye is making a comeback and what better way to end summer and kick off a new school year than with an awesome Tie Dye Creation!
AND…who doesn’t LOVE sidewalk chalk? How about creating your own?!
If you’re local, then mark your calendars for August 6! It's going to be a Tie Dye/Chalk End Of Summer Party!!!
Bring the kids and come tie dye a shirt and make some chalk!!
Saturday, August 6
Chieftain Park – Tonganoxie
$8 pre-registration/provides tie dye and chalk materials
You bring your own shirt/hat/socks/bag/scarf to dye.
I’m also trying to line up having some shaved ice there!
More details to come!! Hope to see everyone there!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
We finally broke down and got a pool pass this year. Therefore you’re going to be getting a lot of pics of the kiddos in the water.
Parker – he isn’t scared of the water, AT ALL!! He will walk into the big pool and keep walking no matter if it’s deeper than him at all.
James was never that brave. He loves the water but has always been a little more apprehensive. James is in swimming lessons this year and is LOVING IT!! He can now go under water without holding his nose! That’s a HUGE accomplishment for him :)
Summer fun at the pool! I love it!!
It reminds me of when I was a little girl and we would spend ALL day, EVERY day there.
So if you’re looking for us and can’t find us, that’s probably where we’ll be :)
How are you staying “cool” this summer?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
This little boy LOVES his Poppa.
If anyone knows anything about Parker, they know how shy he is and how it takes him forever to warm up to people. Including family. No matter how many times you see him!
My brother-in-law calls him “Fifty First Dates”. If you know anything about the movie, you know that on every date, the guy has to start all over in wooing the girl to fall in love with him again. She does by the end of the date but the next time she sees him, it starts all over again.
That’s Parker. EXCEPT when it comes to his Poppa! There is something about my dad that this little boy loves and is so attracted to. He can spot him from a mile away!
I just know it makes him feel so special inside…and that is so special to me!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
We have radishes!! And according to Parker, “They are Peppy”…meaning spicy!
Mmmmm…..oh so yummy in the salads I have had them in!
I can’t wait to start getting all the other goodies in our garden! It’s the best part of summer to me!