Sunday, October 10, 2010

Nothing Ever Is Easy - Is It?

There are such fine lines when it comes to decisions in life and then others seem to be as clear as a wall built in front of you.  Those fine lines just really tear me up sometimes.

Anyone that knows me well enough knows that I HATE confrontation.  I have a really hard time in knowing how to tactfully confront a situation without hurting the other person but at the same time getting my point across.  I guess part of it is also that I try to fix people too much and my point can be much deeper than the other person can see.  It can really frustrate me sometimes when someone else can't see what I see.  I fully understand that, that doesn't make me righteous, although some people may see it otherwise. 

I have had a hard time knowing what to publicize on this blog for personal and family reasons.  One side of me feels that I should be as open as I can be so that I get the best advice and support from all of you.  The other side of me says that I need to withhold simply because those close to me read this and may not want to hear what I have to say.  I still haven't decided what is the best direction in this medium therefore I won't divulge exact details as to why I feel the way that I do.

It's the times of being there for someone as a shoulder to cry on and knowing that in the end there is still a lot of learning to be done.  I can't fix anyone and I know that.  There are people that tell me I try to play the "Christian" card to much.  I know that I have a long way to go to be the Christian that God wants me to be.  I am probably further away from him at this point in my life than I was six years ago.  But I do know that I am not so far away from him to know what he wants from me.  Following through on what he wants can be difficult in this crazy world and I am sure that you all know that.

In recent weeks I have dealt with a few situations in which I would have preferred to walk away.  In each of those instances though I have had to make my feelings known no matter what the outcome may be.  Tactfulness and compassion sometimes cloud people's judgement though and only defenses are thrown up at me.  It makes me want to get mad and fight back, but the grown up person in me tells me I just need to let it go.  There is a fine line of letting things go and then letting a wall be built in your own heart.

I have been touted by many people that I am "not a good friend".  Maybe I'm not.  I have a lot to learn - and I'm willing to.  I don't feel like anyone owes me anything, or do I?!  I don't know.  There are many times that I get caught in the whirlwind called life and others seem take the back burner.  I have thoroughly tried to be there when people need me though.  I may not be there every time, but I have tried to be that friend when the occasion warrants it.  My heart and home have always been open to those that need me.

How do I help people without getting my heart so wrapped up in it?  Is that even possible?  How do you EASILY watch someone go through difficulties when you know there are easier ways?  How do I keep that from hardening my heart??

Being a certain age certainly doesn't make anything easier no matter what anyone tells you.  In fact, I think quite the opposite is true.  I think that with being older comes an understanding of so much more.  Therefore, dealing with difficult situations can sometimes be harder the older you get.

Tonight when I go to bed, I lay all of my concerns in front of Jesus and ask him to take them from me.  I ask him to lay his hands on those around me that need it the most.  I pray for his guidance of them (and me) and softening of their heart (and mine).


Bookfairy883 said...

Beth you and I haven't known each other that long-Our husbands do what they do, because that is how we pay the bills. Often times that means we are left alone to handle big problems as well as the day in day out life situations that come up-The RR is unforgiving in many ways. As a result, many people that don't live with a RR schedule can't and don't understand the burden that it puts on us-Trying to maintain a schedule for the kids, keeping up with events, NOT having someone to vent to when you really need it-

When my son started going thru his problems-I was devastated. It blindsided me-HOW could my son be on drugs?! NO! IT just wasn't possible...The tears, the hurt, the betrayal...I started writing. Xanga was big back then. I had a blog and I wrote everyday, at least once a day. It was how I vented. It was a way to get feed back-to know that I wasn't the only mom going thru that kind of hell. It was therapeutic.

My kids were on Xanga. Sometimes it was awkward. More and more of my family got on Xanga and it became more awkward. My mother even said, "why do you have to put your dirty laundry out there for everyone to see?" I felt awful-"Dirty laundry?" My life and my feelings are "dirty laundry?"

I quit writing. I quit blogging. I understand much of what your saying-
How do we vent? How do we grow with out hurting others? I don't have any answers-I can tell you for myself-that when I stopped reaching out the walls built themselves-

Until now, I haven't really tried getting thru the those walls. Its lonely on the inside of them. Today, I'm reaching out, hoping to encourage you not to let those walls go up.

Like you, I've wavered in my faith and devotion-but His grace is suffecient for us- Your in my prayers-

Debby said...

Sometimes when I don't feel I have any control over my life I have to remind myslef to turn it over to God. Sometimes that's all you can do.
I personally have no relatives that read my blog. I have offered the address to my daughter and DIL's but they don't follow.
As far as I know. If they do, I don't care. It is different when you are writing when realtives or close friends read. I don't know why but it just is. If they aren't bloggers I don't think they understand about friendships made by our blogs.
Whatever is on your mind, Ihope you find peace.

brandiwine75 said...

Beth - another friend of mine created a "private" blog where she only invited a few choice (strong ladies) who she trusted their opinions and asked them to keep the blog quiet. She didn't post any pictures or refer to herself or others by their real names. This allowed her to vent all of her frustrations and get advice from those she trusted as well as any newcomers that found her new blog (but didn't know who she was).

She said she feels 1000% better being able to get it all out (even if it is annonymously). Just a suggestion! :)

Keep your chin up.